Today February the14th 2008 I complete fifty years of existence in this
world; against all odds expectations (including my own)and predictions I have achieved this point of no return; and for me personally this is a accomplishment in witch I have to blame my persistent competence in staying alive, the ineptitude of life and the incompetence of my enemies that failed in their attempts to get rid of me when they had a chance of the
many that I gave with my daring attempts and even more the ones they failed to take advantage when with the upper hand .
I must start with the ominous vat cines of the woman that unfortunately come to delivered me into this valley of tears; which during my childhood days really was; I had to deal with life in a way that I do not want for my worst enemy; a criminal and destructive way that almost ended my life when it was just starting; every other year that sic woman told me that I would not become a year older starting with 8 and ending when she finally give it up and saw that I was already 25 and successfully had managed to live through years of a bloody dictatorship that I am very proud to say that I fought, the hard and difficult beginning of a today very respectful national and international professional diving career; personally I had at that age already done with competence and professionalism almost all that was expected of me as a diver; so, her certainty about the inevitable precocious end for my existence was absolutely wrong as she in every aspect of her insane life.
Through out those years I did lost many important people that I loved and was by them loved and I can say that become fifty years old today has a lot to do with their existence in my life: Grand Uncle Jose Colatino that show me the intrinsic weight of knowledge, the immense value of coherent sarcasm and guided me in the first steps towards the understanding of the true communism , Grand Uncle Felipe Brandão with his posture and wisdom build up my intellectual strength and attitude, my Grand father Jose Taciano de Souza; my friend, my father, the constructor of my character my honor my sense of honesty and correctness: he was a great man; my distant aunt Jany that stud up with her finger pointed at my fathers face accusing him of being a monster after he beats me with the buckle of a belt and throwing salt in my slashed back when I was 10 years old; she was the first person to defend me against the violence that was imposed to me: I never will forget; my Grand Mothers Yolanda and Maria Emilia because they loved supported and understand me thorough out our time together; my fellow comrades in arms from the Legion and through all my fights in life I do respect your bravery and courage that unfortunately lead you to the supreme sacrifice and with all my friendship salute you all : those people were the foundation of my persistence in continue against all difficulties to keep on fighting for my believes and for my live.
I do still have a lot to say, I want to teach to the new comers about the place were they have without asking for arrived at; my distance and difficulties with my two sons and now as it seems with my daughter : it does hurts, hurts a lot especially because with her as opposite to her brothers I was a close loving and caring father and even so I was discarded; by I am no newcomer to pain, I have lost her brothers due to distance and lack of my presence and father figure and latter on when I did approach them it was too late for them and also for me; and finding this reality out, did also cause me a great deal of sorrow and guilt, but I managed to get over and proceed with my life; but the emptiness was always there and I assure them that if I am here today is due to my body’s resistance to abuse and a obstinate and unconscious will to live; that had to be beyond my knowledge, away from my conscientious control it had to be instinctive because my actions and my daring said in fact that all I wanted was to die and put a end to the suffering that the failure in being a good father had caused me I did felt as if I was my own even if I never hit, insulted or put them down morally like he did so many times with me.
Today looking back with the understanding of my inadequacy to live a so called normal and social life I am sure that I did right, that was no other way for me; I was born to defy mediocrity, stupidity, evilness, all that I considered wrong like everybody else but with the difference that I was willing to pursue and fight against it instead of bow my head and my values and accept the inevitable hypocritical way of lowness that society did do put up with in order to continue existing ; even today with more knowledge and wisdom I still am not capable to do it and I am convicted that or I live life my way or I do not mind not to live it at all; I will not ever compromise my views and my believes in order to profit from shameful acceptances, vassals ways and subservience or prostitute my deep values; not even to save my own life .
All those deep moral and conscious values did not stop me from integrating and leading a series of wrong doings that today I am honest when I say that I regret it; I was wrong in my dealings and relations with the women in my life; I always had a view that I never would be like my father; a pussy wept moron I did believed that I had to protect me against being manipulated and dominated by my feelings and by my lust for the opposite sex; and in doing so I did extrapolated in my actions and in my behave; I have being loved by wonderfully well intended women and I was to hard headed to see it and fully appreciated; to the ones that fell in this category I do apologize: as to the ones that deserved the way I dealt with them due to their lack of character and their sleazy ways; do not inspire yourselves into this open heart you still what you really are in my book: we know that I was very right in the way I treated and got read of you all .
I did cross many lines I was never stopped by other peoples weakness, I would ever consider be defeated and would fight to the last straw; I was always within my right to achieve and accomplished what I considered as correct and worthy; I did wrongfully fought with the rules and weapons of my enemies; today I know that in doing so I was just like them and that’s very regrettable for me.
I am sincerely and honestly opening my heart in this day, is for me vital that at this point in my life nothing goes without a end, that the truth that I pursued all my life finally came to find me in this half century of existence and that the days that I have left will be lived with the strong sense or righteousness and with all the honesty, justice, intelligence, coherence, truth, respect and love that I do deserve and want to nurture till the last dais of my life; once again I am very fortunate with my choices, I am living in a country that did filled my childhood when I wanted to escape from the torture of my reality with dreams of Nordic conquers socialism, education, freedom the true pursuit of happiness, the cold weather, snow, true blond woman and Swedish magazines dazzled my nights and my young adolescent life along with great writers of fiction like Mark Twain; with my heroes Tomas Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn; Jules Vern with 20.000 leagues under the sea, that probably awaked my desire for being underwater; to the Voyage To The North Pole that later made me read a lot about Amundsen and Clark real expeditions to the top of the planet and the conquer of the Poles, Around The world in Eight Days; that made me crazy for punctuality and programming; the cycle of the great navigations; that now we know that started with the Chinese before the brave European navigators and my true favorites: The Vikings with their bravery and force to conquer the unknown seas with their incredible boats and the strength of their swords , also I was mesmerized by the courage of another Norwegian: The Saga of Thor Heyerdahl in the Kon-Tiky, Ra and many other expeditions was a great inspiration and I am very proud to say that I meet and have a picture with his son that carries proudly his fathers name and is also a great person and as his father a respected scientist and adventurer very much a inspiration to myself and I repeat it was a great honor to have meet him; other individuals that created a long lasting impression in my life were Domingos Fernandes Calabar; a man that gave his life for a better Brasil in the 18th century, Jose Bento Monteiro Lobato a great writer and his battle to prove that we in Brasil had oil against the imperialism of the USA and the subservience of the brasilian status quo; Alberto Santos Dumont; a genius and a great humane individual that incontestably was the first man to fly a airplane propelled by a engine in the world, my moral hero Captain Antonio Carlos Lamarca a honorable man and a grand officer that fought against the injustices and the crimes of the military that destroyed a nation and so much shame and pain brought to the conscientious people in Brasil; I did discovered those man their actions and their contributions to the evolutionary process of man kind due to the fact that I had since a early age a very diverse formation in regards to literature and readings in general and the diversity in me inspired helped me to discharged the so called “general consensus” and was critical in defining my believes and the people I would respect .
I am and I have always been a Trotskyite Communist,and as a practicing atheist I do not believe in all the false, dangerous, stupid, violent, prejudice, commercial information’s and directives passed on through hypocrites that pedaling their main product with what ever name they give to it are only interested in power and profit and thru lies, black mail and mad actions have caused so many deaths, pain and have stopped the human evolution so many times, that if their product really existed I would be very happy continue to be as I truly am: a intelligent Darwinian godless man that refuses to be associated with a god or its alleged representatives; and that lack of fear on the so called divine judgment associated with a critical intellectual responsibility a very distinctive sinicism and a sharp sarcasm I assure you all was very important for the formation of the today’s fifty years old Alcir de Souza.
Besides diving another great pride in my life is my seaworthiness in the command of sailboats, feature that made me very self sufficient and was of great value and all my formation; because of the criminal and bloody military dictatorship in Brasil during the seventies I did not allowed myself to join the brasilian navy at the time involved in torture disappearing and other despicable acts against the oppositions of that excrescency that did deposed in 1964 a democratically elected president and instituted a immoral trade of generals that endured till the first real presidential election in1989; consequently I had to be aware of all my actions during that period; I did outsmart them( not a big deal) when even with my name in the army black list and with the political police looking me up I was able to enroll as a civilian in the best divers formation course that was ministered by the same navy were I graduated in 1976 as the first one in my class and were from 25 only 4 graduated me and three militaries from the marines that did the same course; after that in 77 I did started as a professional diver; when I retired as a deep sea operations supervisor after 23 years in all areas of the trade and had being in 38 countries around the world (also in there including my military time as a Nageur de Combat for The French Foreign Legion, I decided to pursue another great pleasure and transform it in a profession; my love for sailing and the ocean made me go back to study and at age 48 I did take very proudly my captains license that was for me a great accomplishment and another victory against the mediocrity that stated that I was to old to star a new career that required so much study and effort: but I did it again and was the only one in my class to succeed.
Now I have eyes for the next fifty or perhaps (who knows) maybe more; I am now living in a decent country, were I am sure I will be proud to be, I am preparing myself for more challenges; learning and becoming fluent in Norwegian as I am in English, French, Portuguese and Spanish; becoming a fully licensed DPO (Dynamic Position Operator) and after that I want to end my professional live achieving the highest point of a maritime career being a Norwegian Captain; that would really be the apices of my working life.
As my private life goes I meet a great woman with character and beauty inner and exterior that loves me and it is maturely loved by me; we are very happy together and we have plans to enjoy the time that we have left in our lives how long it will be with respect, care, understanding and a lot of love; we are very compatible in all aspects and she really deserve to be care for and I am truly willing to do so; we’ve got married and I am sure and certain that she is the woman that I was waiting to fulfill my life and I am very proud of her and I will make sure that she also will be proud of me.
So that’s it; the review of 50th years in the existence of a man.; with all my rights and wrongs, with my fights and my conquests my defeats and my difficulties that in the sum of this sometimes long run I consider that I didn’t do bad at all and as a matter of a fact I did won more then I lost; I grew up and did my mea culpa I look behind and I see the foot print of a true man, with his errors and his faults, his ups and downs, his evolution from a sad child into a serious and coherent human being that has to congratulate himself for another great victory :
Become fifty years old !
And I sincerely hope that I continue to evolve in to the future as I did in the past !
